My sister's a screw up, but she tries. But she doesn't try hard. She tries enough to say she's trying. She tries enough to do what needs to be done, sometimes. But she does not try enough to keep herself out of financial troubles and does not try to improve the relationship she has with my parents. I start by telling you this because Jaclyn has changed tradition with the advent of her two year old daughter. She is opting to go to a christmas party this Christmas Eve, IE tonight, and forced us to rearrange our plans for the day. Our usual evening begins with a movie, then perhaps a game, all the while gently nibbling on finger sandwiches, chips, and cheese and crackers. But with us, we always end up arguing. It starts with a suggestion or criticism from my mom, it always does. Jaclyn does something that my mom disagrees with or critiques, and Jaclyn does not appreciate free advice. Mom then gets angry at Jaclyn and it snowballs from there. This is how each day goes, why should Christmas time be any different?
There's still much to get done today, wrapping, visiting family, and some other minor loose ends to tie up. With no help being solicited from my dad, and my mom tense from a heated phone conversation with Jaclyn in which blame was tossed back and forth, my mom is raging. She's throwing insults, hitting below the belt, and making comments that should not be made. Regardless of whether or not she's angry, she still has enough sense about her to know that we try, but with her, it's her way or no way, that's it. She doesn't like my new acknowledgement that there are other ways to do things that aren't her own; yet another product of going to college and learning to live for myself.
So, Jaclyn was turned away because had she not rescheduled our day as she did, we would have had no problems getting done what we need to get done. Now, Jaclyn will not come over on Christmas Eve, we won't play our game, we won't open our one pre-Christmas present, and my mom will stew in her bedroom as my dad and I talk uncomfortably, perhaps playing cards. It always happens this way. Christmas is always a chore, birthdays, mother's day, thanksgiving; it's all some big issue with my mom. I love her, but she does not act as she should. She doesn't go with the "if life gives you lemons..." mantra. But she makes me nervous. With her raging and irrational state that results from anger, I worry for her health, I worry for her safety. I like to think she's not as rash as to um, take that one last leap, but when she says things like "I just can't take this" and "I've just had it with everything" I don't know what else I'm supposed to think.
My dad is the better of the two, there's no doubt. He's the nicer one. He's more childish, while my mom is vastly more responsible, but he's nicer, he's more understanding. My mom keeps us afloat, but she does it with the sacrafice of her happiness. I do all I can to make her happy, to help her. My dad works two jobs, so it's understandable that at some point he'd like to relax for a bit. But my mom sees work that needs to be done and tells my father to do it. Both have a foundation to their side, yet neither will concede for a moment. So I try to help my mom, and have fun with my dad, and I try to give them (mainly my mom) what they want while still attempting to keep the life that I'm trying to found for myself going. I am trying to make everyone happy again, like I always have, and it simply doesn't work. It just doesn't.
My mom and dad went to my grandmother's today, just a few moments ago. I was willing to go. We're not an overly close family, but it is nice to see them every now and again. My mom, as I was online writing my professors, which she didn't know, she just knew I was on the computer, asked me if I wanted to go with that sardonic tone in her voice. I said sure, she forced a mocking laugh and said that I never wanted to go before. I claimed that I had no problem going, that I was getting ready to leave as we spoke. She didn't want to hear it, she ordered me to stay and stormed downstairs calling me and my father names.
We're on a road to Hell friends. The road to Hell is paved with good intentions. That's the addage right? There's no way off it. If you have good intentions, you get screwed. If you don't, nobody likes you and you're left to take on the world alone, which is impossible to successfully do. In either case, there is no escape. Granted, you won't necessarily go to Hell if you try to appease people or if you don't. But you're life is going to be difficult either way. It's so easy to get caught up in thinking that everyone could be happy. If I just do this for them, but do this for someone else, they'll both be happy. But you spread yourself thin friend. I've been there. I've spent weeks on end running around organizing schedules and acts to make things work for everyone. It doesn't happen. Nobody is ever happy. There's always more that they want. You do something nice for them, then they get used to it and are hurt if you don't do something for them again. it's not taking things for granted, it's not seeing what sacrafices are made to satiate people's needs.
Where are we going? Like, what are we aiming for with all we do. Are we aiming for communal happiness or self happiness. Is self happiness the result of communal? Because I know when other people are happy, they leave you alone to revile in what they have. But to make other people happy takes a lot of work, and that usually deminishes the amount of self happiness one feels. So why are we trying to appease everyone? Well, if you look out for yourself, you won't be there to help others, which helps them make themselves happy. So people, ultimately, end up not being as happy as they could be were they to get outside help. But giving help takes away from your happiness. It's an endless give and take cycle. But if you try to help others, you're not guaranteed any happiness, you could find some, but you're not guaranteed. If you try to make yourself happy, then you are guaranteed at least some level of joy. Thus, with the use of the Game Theory, people's safest choice is to look out for themselves, and perhaps take a small amount of time to help others. Wow, it makes the world sound so selfish.
Christmas is usually ok. Just as the day of any holiday is usually fine. It's the build up to it that rips at our family. My mom's discontentment, my dad's battered spirit, induced by my mom, and my sister's shambled life, brought upon by herself, all work together to work against each other. Nobody's character steps up to help others be happy, because the subconscious Game Theory has been played out, and each member of the family has arrived at the conclusion that what's best for them is to make themself happy, regardless of how the other members feel. It's tough, it really is. I miss school. I miss my Love. Because between a life that I started to mold on my own with a girl that loves me, and a life out of my hands and away from love, I have no sanctuary. All I have is Beautiful. I have my family, of course, I always will. But there is no comparison to the level of happiness that I get from being with her. I cannot confide in my family like I can Gorgeous. She is my sanity, she is my soul. The rest is here to make life worth writing about. Take care, and happy holidays.
longingly yours
Steve
If the plane goes down...then what happens next?
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