Ringing in the New Year

So, today is New Years' Eve. And in just under 24 hours, I'll get to ring in the new year with my Love. I'm just really excited because although I've seen her these past few days, I've spent little time holding her in my arms. So for the final moments of this year and the freshest moments of the next, I'm going to hold her as close to my heart as possible. So, for now, that's all I wish to tell you. And remember that the love you find will be the truest and most completing sensation of your life if you are so lucky as to find it. Take care and happy New Year!

all my love
Steve

If the plane goes down...then what happens next?

After Christmas Surprise and Sensations Well Appreciated

So, today, the day after Christmas, the mail lady came to the front door with a package. In all her cigarette smelling glory, she held up the package and said, there's a package here for you from Australia. Hm, could this be that big surprise gift that my mom had been eagerly awaiting for two weeks? Indeed it was. You see, in July, I went on a two week trip to Australia, Hawaii, New Zealand, and Fiji. There, I had my long lost lolly love the Chupa Chup. I then found out about amazingly good cookies called Tim Tams. My mom, apparently, had ordered two packages of Chupa Chups and five packages of different flavor Tim Tams like dark chocolate and fudge, original, rich caramel, and another that I don't remember. For those of you who haven't had them, get some. http://www.greataussiefood.com.au/

Also, things for this week are looking a little better as well, because I'm getting together with Kevin for maybe 5 hours tomorrow, so that's better than a short movie. Then, on Thursday I get to see my Love, and Friday I get to see her even longer. So, this is a banner week for me. I've been using the new looping pedal that I got for Christmas with my guitar. It's so much fun. I can play songs with many guitar parts with one single guitar. It takes some practice to get the pedal work down. I never knew how tough it would be to keep the flow going and use the pedal properly. I now have a lot more respect for the guitarists that have mastered the use of the pedals that are out there, especially the looping pedal where you have to know when to switch it on to record one guitar part and then stop it's recording so it loops and then continue on with a solo or other guitar part. It's tough, but oh so fun.

That's about all I have for you now. I've got to take down Christmas lights tomorrow, and I have a feeling the rest of this week is going to go by really quickly, sadly, now that things are happening that I want to happen. Take care.

all my love and happiness
Steve

If the plane goes down...then what happens next?

Yet Another Successful Christmas

So, it was a fair Christmas. I got what I wanted, some things that I didn't, but that's how it goes. :-) And, I got to talk to Gorgeous today, and I'll be seeing her on Thursday and maybe Kevin on Wednesday. That means that tomorrow is really my only day alone, which is great. Gorgeous went down to Christmas with her uncles and her family, but we talked for a good while afterwards as I stood outside struggling to keep cell phone reception. That made my day. Christmas is one thing, but talking to the girl you love, well, that completely overshadows Christmas. I really have nothing else to say. Things are working out well because I've tried to get my control of my life back. And I really am not in the mood to write. I'm just too satisfied with things. I'd rather be doing something else, because everything is dandy. So, I'm happy, you're hopefully happy, and I'll talk to soon. Take care.

all my love and happiness
Steve

If the plane goes down...then what happens next?

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas!! And I miss you Love.

Cheerily and lovingly yours
Steve

If the plane goes down...then what happens next?

Never Before Have I Felt As Recently

So, it's the first dozen minutes of Christmas. Good morning. And I just got off the phone with the girl of my dreams, the one that lives in my heart and claims ownership of my soul. We talked, and we sniffled, and we both realized that at that moment, all either of us wanted was to be able to hold the other in their arms. We both felt an unconditional love, and we realized that there was nothing that could make us happier than to repeat the words "I love you" over and over. My eyes closed, and I pictured her there, staring at her bed as she whispered silently. With each word we listened to the other, not wanting to miss one heartfelt word. I assure you, never before have I wanted to simply show up in her room and hold her forever more than at that moment. That's all I can give you, that's all I can share. The rest I hold in my heart and will relive in my dreams until the next time I hear her voice. I must say one thing though; when you find this feeling, cherish it, and until then, take note of how you feel, because once you find this love, you will think of no other question more perplexing than "where did I go right to get me where I am now?"

Good day everyone. Merry Christmas, and may you spend your days with the one you love.

my love belongs to one, my words belong to all
Steve

If the plane goes down...then what happens next?

Things Are Never What the Appear They Will Be

So, today was dandy. It could've been smoother, but I assure you, everyone's still living, and nobody really got incredibly mad, just a little pissed, if that makes sense. Jaclyn never came over until later, like, around 5:30. The three of us, my dad, mom, and I, had already started playing Monopoly with Christmas music in the background. I must say, we never feel more like a family than when we're a family without one member. Granted, that's not the nicest way to look at things, because we are still family, we're just happier with one less member.

So, Jaclyn arrived and my mom's grimace never left her face, save those moments that Alexandria, my sister's kid (two years old) was being cute. We still never finished the game of Monopoly, so we'll have to do that later. I hope it doesn't run much further into 10 o'clock because I want to call Gorgeous. But if I don't get to call her, at least I'll see her online tonight and I'll get to call her tomorrow night. We ended up going into my parents' bedroom to quickly wrap some of Jaclyn and Alex's presents so they could each open their one allotted Christmas Eve presents. That's what we do, one on Christmas Eve for each person, you know, to kind of ease the jitters of waiting for all those tempting gifts.

That was a little stressful, because my mom was rushing to get all Jaclyn's wrapped so Jaclyn could go out to that Christmas party that she was heading out to, with Alex. This, we think, isn't the best idea, because Jaclyn is still trying to act like a teenager without a kid. She has no spouse, but a kind of steady boyfriend, yet his parents don't approve of Jaclyn. With her background of hedonism and sin, their religious views do not allow for John to get as close to her as he'd like. But Jaclyn, we think, shouldn't be taking Alex to the party because it is going to go late, and Alex should be eating a regular dinner and get to bed at a reasonable hour, she's two, she needs some form of consistency. But it's not a huge deal, so, no worries.

But yeah, everything's fine for the most part, no hurt feelings or anything. Hopefully I win Monopoly, but if I do my best, maybe I can start an oligarchy with my mom. :-p I miss my Love, as always. You've seen it, is there ever a moment that I don't? I'm not going insane either, because I'm doing stuff, we're playing a game, wrapping gifts, writing this blog. I'm just not left to relax, which is good, because relaxing is bad for me. Unless I'm relaxing with someone I love, then it's fine, because my minds on enjoying that time. But yeah, today wasn't that bad because, Yup, idle hands never arose. I'm just passing the time until next Friday friends, with a slight break in the esperando-ing to spend some time with my "brother" Kevin.

So, tonight, unless something else of importance arises, I leave you until the end of Christmas. So, goodnight all, thank your parents, thank Santa, and thank your lucky stars that life is as interesting as it is. Yup, you heard me.

covertly and overtly yours
Steve

If the plane goes down...then what happens next?

You Do What You Do Because You've Done What You've Done

My sister's a screw up, but she tries. But she doesn't try hard. She tries enough to say she's trying. She tries enough to do what needs to be done, sometimes. But she does not try enough to keep herself out of financial troubles and does not try to improve the relationship she has with my parents. I start by telling you this because Jaclyn has changed tradition with the advent of her two year old daughter. She is opting to go to a christmas party this Christmas Eve, IE tonight, and forced us to rearrange our plans for the day. Our usual evening begins with a movie, then perhaps a game, all the while gently nibbling on finger sandwiches, chips, and cheese and crackers. But with us, we always end up arguing. It starts with a suggestion or criticism from my mom, it always does. Jaclyn does something that my mom disagrees with or critiques, and Jaclyn does not appreciate free advice. Mom then gets angry at Jaclyn and it snowballs from there. This is how each day goes, why should Christmas time be any different?

There's still much to get done today, wrapping, visiting family, and some other minor loose ends to tie up. With no help being solicited from my dad, and my mom tense from a heated phone conversation with Jaclyn in which blame was tossed back and forth, my mom is raging. She's throwing insults, hitting below the belt, and making comments that should not be made. Regardless of whether or not she's angry, she still has enough sense about her to know that we try, but with her, it's her way or no way, that's it. She doesn't like my new acknowledgement that there are other ways to do things that aren't her own; yet another product of going to college and learning to live for myself.

So, Jaclyn was turned away because had she not rescheduled our day as she did, we would have had no problems getting done what we need to get done. Now, Jaclyn will not come over on Christmas Eve, we won't play our game, we won't open our one pre-Christmas present, and my mom will stew in her bedroom as my dad and I talk uncomfortably, perhaps playing cards. It always happens this way. Christmas is always a chore, birthdays, mother's day, thanksgiving; it's all some big issue with my mom. I love her, but she does not act as she should. She doesn't go with the "if life gives you lemons..." mantra. But she makes me nervous. With her raging and irrational state that results from anger, I worry for her health, I worry for her safety. I like to think she's not as rash as to um, take that one last leap, but when she says things like "I just can't take this" and "I've just had it with everything" I don't know what else I'm supposed to think.

My dad is the better of the two, there's no doubt. He's the nicer one. He's more childish, while my mom is vastly more responsible, but he's nicer, he's more understanding. My mom keeps us afloat, but she does it with the sacrafice of her happiness. I do all I can to make her happy, to help her. My dad works two jobs, so it's understandable that at some point he'd like to relax for a bit. But my mom sees work that needs to be done and tells my father to do it. Both have a foundation to their side, yet neither will concede for a moment. So I try to help my mom, and have fun with my dad, and I try to give them (mainly my mom) what they want while still attempting to keep the life that I'm trying to found for myself going. I am trying to make everyone happy again, like I always have, and it simply doesn't work. It just doesn't.

My mom and dad went to my grandmother's today, just a few moments ago. I was willing to go. We're not an overly close family, but it is nice to see them every now and again. My mom, as I was online writing my professors, which she didn't know, she just knew I was on the computer, asked me if I wanted to go with that sardonic tone in her voice. I said sure, she forced a mocking laugh and said that I never wanted to go before. I claimed that I had no problem going, that I was getting ready to leave as we spoke. She didn't want to hear it, she ordered me to stay and stormed downstairs calling me and my father names.

We're on a road to Hell friends. The road to Hell is paved with good intentions. That's the addage right? There's no way off it. If you have good intentions, you get screwed. If you don't, nobody likes you and you're left to take on the world alone, which is impossible to successfully do. In either case, there is no escape. Granted, you won't necessarily go to Hell if you try to appease people or if you don't. But you're life is going to be difficult either way. It's so easy to get caught up in thinking that everyone could be happy. If I just do this for them, but do this for someone else, they'll both be happy. But you spread yourself thin friend. I've been there. I've spent weeks on end running around organizing schedules and acts to make things work for everyone. It doesn't happen. Nobody is ever happy. There's always more that they want. You do something nice for them, then they get used to it and are hurt if you don't do something for them again. it's not taking things for granted, it's not seeing what sacrafices are made to satiate people's needs.

Where are we going? Like, what are we aiming for with all we do. Are we aiming for communal happiness or self happiness. Is self happiness the result of communal? Because I know when other people are happy, they leave you alone to revile in what they have. But to make other people happy takes a lot of work, and that usually deminishes the amount of self happiness one feels. So why are we trying to appease everyone? Well, if you look out for yourself, you won't be there to help others, which helps them make themselves happy. So people, ultimately, end up not being as happy as they could be were they to get outside help. But giving help takes away from your happiness. It's an endless give and take cycle. But if you try to help others, you're not guaranteed any happiness, you could find some, but you're not guaranteed. If you try to make yourself happy, then you are guaranteed at least some level of joy. Thus, with the use of the Game Theory, people's safest choice is to look out for themselves, and perhaps take a small amount of time to help others. Wow, it makes the world sound so selfish.

Christmas is usually ok. Just as the day of any holiday is usually fine. It's the build up to it that rips at our family. My mom's discontentment, my dad's battered spirit, induced by my mom, and my sister's shambled life, brought upon by herself, all work together to work against each other. Nobody's character steps up to help others be happy, because the subconscious Game Theory has been played out, and each member of the family has arrived at the conclusion that what's best for them is to make themself happy, regardless of how the other members feel. It's tough, it really is. I miss school. I miss my Love. Because between a life that I started to mold on my own with a girl that loves me, and a life out of my hands and away from love, I have no sanctuary. All I have is Beautiful. I have my family, of course, I always will. But there is no comparison to the level of happiness that I get from being with her. I cannot confide in my family like I can Gorgeous. She is my sanity, she is my soul. The rest is here to make life worth writing about. Take care, and happy holidays.

longingly yours
Steve

If the plane goes down...then what happens next?

Thank You "Holiday" Music

So I've come to the conclusion that Christmas music is bringing me down, being that many of the older songs like "Blue Christmas" and "Baby It's Cold Outside" and a few others are saddening. Like this one that got to me at breakfast by the Ojays:

Christmas just ain't Christmas without the one you love.
New Year's just ain't New Year's without the one you love.

Underneath the mistletoe, I saw a face all a glow,
Last year this time.
Now I stand all alone and my house is not a home
Without that girl of mine. Oh.

Christmas just ain't Christmas without the one you love.
And New Year's just ain't New Year's without the one you love.

12 o'clock and all is well and I was doing oh so swell,
Last year this time.
Going shopping for presents together would make it last a week,
But it would never.
It was a waste of time. Oh.

Christmas just ain't Christmas without the one you love. Oh, oh, oh.
New Year's just ain't New Year's without the one you love.

Oh, oh.
Christmas just ain't Christmas without the one you love. Oh.
And New Year's is just another lonely night without the one you love and ohhhhh, no.
(Christmas just ain't Christmas) No, no. (without the one you love.)
I'm gonna be lonely.
I'm gonna be lonely,
(New Year's just ain't New Year's...)
Oh, oh, 'cause I said I need your loving. Need.
Christmas just ain't Christmas without the one you love. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

But if I plan this week out well, I'll be spread evenly from the company of friends. So if I go out on Wednesday with Kevin and then get together with Gorgeous on Friday, I should be ok and avoid going insane like earlier this week. Three weeks left until I get my life back, can you wait, I know I can't. I'm sure you're tired of reading of my Love and my intermittent insanity. That's all for now folks. Take care, and have a merry Christmas and happy Chanukah.

Patiently yours
Steve

If the plane goes down...then what happens next.

Scheduling Around Life and Love

Ok, so it's actually not Wednesday that I'm waiting for, it's Friday and Saturday. Those are the two days of next week that I'm looking forward to. I talked to Gorgeous tonight for an hour. It was the most amazing part of this week at home, apart from seeing her smile and feeling her arms around me again. I know I can avoid insanity and loneliness if I can simply hear her voice for a few moments each day. We're planning on getting together for the day next Friday. I found out after the phone call tonight that next Friday we have to go help my cousin move. Now, that originally made me quite sad. But I found out that we plan on being there at 8:30 in the morning, and they've already packed, we're only moving the big stuff, and they're renting a Uhaul. So, with 7 adults, three pickups, a car, and a Uhaul, we should be able to get it all done in one move. So this means that the time of 12 or 1 to see my Love isn't completely unreasonable. I really miss her. Haha, I actually, just now, wrote you instead of her. Jeeze, I wonder who I'm apparently addressing this entry to. :-/

In any case. To whomever I'm writing, I'm quite happy now. I miss my Love, but I know she misses me just as much. Tomorrow's Christmas Eve. I have a few presents to wrap, and I'm just a tad tired. So I'll leave you for now. But take it easy, because things work out if you have faith. Nothing is ever as bad as it seems. Because as soon as you begin to have faith, you get strength, and that alone makes the task of overcoming a challenge that much easier. And, in addition, once you feel loved, that gives you the feeling that you can take on the world. So, get out, find love, find faith (religious or egocentric), and realize that life is what you make it.

Graciously and happily yours
Steve

If the plane goes down...then what happens next?

Just Sose You Nose

It's Wednesday that I'm waiting for, in case you were wondering. I just found out. Wednesday, yup. That's it.

All my love
Steve

Boredom and Disparity

So, today I'm really really bored. My Love is working and my "brother" is working his last day at Wal-Mart today. He and I are going to see Black Christmas sometime next week though, so that'll be good. I want to give him the present I got him. It's nothing too great, but it's a nice little thing. I'm eager for Tuesday and Wednesday next week, probably, because Gorgeous is off from work then and we're going to spend the day together. I know these last few posts have been mainly focused around her. That's basically because being away from her is the incitement for my writing this. Idle hands, remember. I need something to do, so I write in this. Without her, I have nobody to talk to about what's going on and how I'm feeling and stuff. She's my saving grace and my eternal ear. She listens, and with her not here, this stuff builds up and weighs heavily on me.

But it's almost Christmas; two more days. Then I get to see Beautiful. I have all next week off from both jobs; the tedious assembly one and the waiting job. I have to do a banquet on New Years Eve, hopefully it doesn't run into the next day. I have to be there at 4, so I'm hoping they end earlier than 1 a.m. It's not a bad job, waiting. The people that work with me are interesting and usually fun, and the customers are usually nice, but you do get several people who aren't happy with you bringing them what they want as they sit there and talk. But, such is life, and it pays well, so I can't complain.

As for my fear of idle hands, it's still here. And there is one thing looming in my mind that will go away in the coming months, but it will be quite some time before that goes away. I cannot shake that one thought, it will not leave my mind. Every thought that comes from it is merely a false product of that plaguing point. All the fears derived from that one issue are unfounded, but the base issue from which they arise is real, and that alone wheedles at me. I try to ignore it, but it's still there. That's why I can't be bored, that's why I have to keep going. If I'm not asleep, I have to be doing something. I'm either awake and moving or asleep and dreaming of Gorgeous. All I can say is that I'm torn between wanting these coming months to drag out so I can truly enjoy my time at school and wishing these coming months to quickly draw to a close so I can get past this constant thinking. This fear that comes from that issue is, as I said, unfounded. I am certain the feelings of such fears are imagined in my head. That is to say that what I fear I will feel as a result of the issue will not come true, yet the sensations that would be felt were my fears to be realized still run ramped in my mind.

But I'll get through it. I have to, it's part of life, this fear and sadness thing. Like I said, once I'm back at school and have my life in my hands again, these fears and this sadness that I shook ages ago will disappear again. I just need to trust people, and I just need to trust myself. If I take what people say for what the words mean, then I will be better off. I do trust certain people with all my heart. But reality changes in the blink of an eye. What I know to be true and real today could shift and become a fallacy tomorrow. I return to Dave Matthews: "Once upon a time, when the world was just a pancake, fears would arise that if you went too far, you'd fall. But with the passage of time, it all became more of a ball. We're as sure of that as we all once were when the world was flat." Things change. What we know could be wrong, and what we don't could prove right. What we don't know, or perhaps what we disregard for fear of it being true could, in fact, be true. Is living in ignorance bliss, or is living in denial better? Is it better to not know what's out there that could be true, or know that what you think could be wrong, or is it better to be aware of the possibilities and pound into your head the belief that those possibilities will not surface on the side of founded truth? I'm not sure. I'll let you know when I find out.

Take care, and live it up. I'll be sitting here waiting for 9:30 tonight, and then waiting for perhaps 10:30 tomorrow night, then enjoying Christmas and looking ahead to Christmas night, then praying for, God willing, the longest and slowest Tuesday and Wednesday, provided that things go our way. Happy holidays all, and I'll talk to you soon.

idly yet lovingly yours
Steve

If the plane goes down...then what happens next?

Nobody Knows You When You're Down and Out

The title's misleading, I'm quite happy right now. Well, as happy as I can be considering that I am, once again, separated by a 15 minute drive from my Love. The title is just a result of me having that Eric Clapton song stuck in my head. But in any case, that Christmas party went well today. *free plug* Bugaboo Creek has really good chicken and steak. They're a nice place. The atmosphere is that of a Canadian cabin, but it's nice, apart from the sad dead animals on the walls. I got home and then at 6:30 I went to Beautiful's house for dinner and to spend time with her. We had so much fun with her family. I'm glad her parents really like me. I have a ton of fun joking around with them and all that. They're really nice people. We watched TV on the same couch, but because her parents were in the room, we didn't sit as close as we usually would've. Then we went and played guitar and piano together, but were interrupted by my mom calling and requesting me to come home because it was starting to rain and it might've iced over (we assume that's why I wasn't allowed to stay longer). But I didn't want to leave. I'd waited all week to see my Love, and our time was being cut short, once again, because of parents.

This week anyway has seemed like everything is against my spending time or hearing Gorgeous. The short phone calls, the little time together alone with her tonight, all that kind of stuff just makes it hard on me when I have to leave her. I finally got her back and then had to leave. I really really didn't want to go tonight, but I had to, and we both doled out the love and we talked after I got home. Apparently, she's been feeling the same separation sadness that I've been feeling, but because she's not taken on this whole self-analysis thing that I mentioned in the last blog, she's sane, I am drastically crazier without her. It's like part of me is gone for now, and nothing is as it should be, nothing is as good as it is with her.

I've realized, after tonight, that I'm not as crazy as I thought earlier. I am aware that I'm analyzing myself, but it's not changing my actions too much. Much of what I do I do anyway, regardless of whether I think about why or how I do it anyway. Like, much of my examining is done in reflection and not occurring as I act, thus it does not usually influence my actions. But I am really missing my Love, and that makes me do things that'll help pass the time faster so I don't realize how long it is between times that I can see her. So this detached sensation I'm getting isn't a result of reflecting or analyzing myself, it's a result of feeling empty without Beautiful. Looking back, I realize this now. At school, I never once got that feeling. At school, I was happier than I had ever been before for the sole purpose that I never felt isolated, I never felt left out, I had my life in my hands and things went as I made them go. I had my Love and I had my life, that was all I needed. Without my Love, my life is less good, not as nice. It's as simple as that.

But I'm tired. I've gotten very little sleep this last week. I've had a hard time sleeping thinking that I'm so far away from Gorgeous. I lay there and look at her picture and think of how nice it was to hold her and wait for that feeling again. The problem is, time moves so slowly when you lay there in bed listening to the clocks tick and imagine the warm embrace of the one you love. So, long story short, I like to think I've dodged another insanity bullet. But I really really miss my Love. Here's to you Gorgeous, you're always on my mind.

all my heart and soul
Steve

If the plane goes down...then what happens next?

SIlly Me

So, I've been going absolutely insane these last few days. I find that I'm only crazy when left to think. If I have something to do or something to distract me, I'm fine. When I'm left to think, I go bonkers. It's like, I believe in self improvement. This is a dangerous endeavor because I am voluntarily taking it on my own to argue against myself. That's basically what's happening. Everyone has ideals that they feel strongly for. With me, for some reason, I've developed this "attempt to see something from all sides" mentality, which leads to myself arguing against what I feel. This literally is driving me crazy. There is this surreal sensation that I no longer have adamant feelings about many things, there are some things that I still have opinions on and whatnot. But it's like, when I think something, I now mull it over in my head to see if someone else might possibly see it otherwise, and if there is an alternate mindset that may exist, I see if it is sustainable in reality. I am virtually arguing with myself, making me not trust myself, and making me see almost everything I do from a nonobjective view, like I'm not living my life, but rather watching from a first person standing, the life of someone else.

This is all making me sound insane. I don't think I'm crazy, then again, crazy people rarely do. If you know me, and know me well, because knowing me will not endow you with the knowledge that a small small handful of people have on me. But if you know me really well, then you know I'm not crazy, I'm just a jumble of trying to please everyone, please myself, find out the truth, have my own opinions without offending anyone, and trying to make everything perfect, despite the fact that perfection does not exist. It is incredibly taxing. When I'm not busy, when I'm not preoccupied, I think about what I think and why I think it and see if what I do will lead to anything that could be seen by someone somewhere as not quite what's best for reality. Apparently, what's best for me takes a backseat in my mind to what's best for the collective.

I think this can be tied into the fact that there's just many things in life that are difficult to deal with. Not like, life in general, well, yeah, life in general, but also in my life specifically. You know, sister not doing well financially, parents just being around each other too much so they wear on each other, money problems with our family. It's all stuff everyone goes through, so I'm not saying like, look at me, pity me. But at school, I was somewhat away from this. When I had my life mostly under my control, that's when things were the best. After coming home for this first week on vacation, my life, once again, fell into the hands of outside forces. Things became inconsistent with the life I'd developed at school and it shocked me mentally, forcing me to where I am today, or rather was before I started distracting myself with guitar and writing this and just other random stuff. Idle hands are my enemy. Idle hands make ravaged minds.

I'm doing dandy, hehe, I promise you. No suicidal thoughts or anything along those lines. No rampages planned in the near future nor anything of that nature. I simply want that control I had at school again, and I need that little bit of consistency. I need the ability to plan my day to keep myself going to avoid idleness. I cannot sit in my head alone, because then I argue with my thoughts and feelings, not in the schizophrenic way, but in the sense that if I someone else feels as adamantly about something as I do, who's to say that I'm right and they're not? When someone attempts to give psychiatric treatment, and not even treatment, just analysis, to oneself, trouble ensues. Because you are viewing yourself from a third person viewpoint. You are taking away your personal relation to your life and making it an outside view. You are virtually taking yourself out of reality and making yourself view your life rather than live it. It's a terrible place to be. You can make yourself better, but do not attempt to analyze why you do things and why you think things. Just know that you do and that's the way your brain is wired. You are elements and electrons. You feel the way you do because your brain works that way. When you change what you feel, you're rewiring your brain, kind of, not really. But your making a new norm. You're recalibrating, finding a new center, further away from where you started, and eventually, you end up so far from where you began that you are barely tangential to who and what you were when you began your "self improvement". So, I'm fine, no worries. But remember, tread softly on the mental terrain; it's easy to get lost.

all my love and sincerity,
Steve

If the plane goes down...then what happens next?

Working Through and Finding Out

So, I've been working through this sensation that I've been having, this weird feeling of being alone and deserted. I realized that I'd forgotten the feeling when I went to school because I was always around friends. Then, when I came back home, I went back into my geographical seclusion, living 13 minutes from my nearest friends, with the exception of my "brother" who works all the time. Being so far from friends without a car leaves me to live by myself when at home while my mobile friends travel around to each other's houses. You know, I've always wanted to live in a neighborhood where a friend stops by to see if I can hang out. That never happens with me. I live so far away on a main road, so such an invitation would mean my friends risking their lives in my driveway and taking their valuable time to come see me. Thus, any time with friends must be planned so as to allow for equal accommodation to all.

It's all in my head. The feeling of being out of the loop and all is just made up. What it feels like, well, it feels like my friends go on without me and don't give a second thought to my not being there. I like to think they do. Maybe they don't say like, I wish Steve were here, but I like to think they acknowledge the difference I would make were I to show up. But I'm shaking that isolated and left out feeling. I'm getting it. As far as my Love, well, I got a phone call again at 11 tonight which lasted for 9:35, which is better than before. Still not the hour long conversations of summers ago, but it was nice to hear her voice again. Too bad she brought up the possible lack of communication with her that looms in the distance a mere two weeks from now which will last a week. :-/ Such is life huh? :-) But it makes things, well, maybe not more fun, but it'll be something to look back at and say "well, I made it through that fine".

We've got the company Christmas party tomorrow. I work at a small company of 4 (counting myself) employees, the owner, sometimes the owner's wife, and the owner's son. It's um, it's not the best, but I certainly can't knock it. I work with my mom and dad and get a fair pay. It's tedious work, but I've got XM Satellite radio, usually Old Time Radio, to keep me company. The party tomorrow is lunch at Bugaboo Creek with the lot. It should be ok. But recently, I was feeling like I'm not considered an employee, like I'm just seen as the employees' son and not an actual worker. This works against me when the time for a raise comes around and Christmas bonuses and other worker stuff. Because the boss' son, who makes the decisions, knows much about my life, he passes judgment and takes advantage of knowing my life.

I didn't mind not getting a Christmas bonus. I mean, I'm not there all the time. But I look at Justin, who was there for just under a year and who got a Christmas bonus, and Jan, a temp, who didn't even work for the company and who also lasted a year and received a bonus. I've been there for um, going on 2, 2.5 years now, and the owner and his son passed me by as they carried the Christmassy Citizen's Bank envelopes. My mom promptly took me to Sullivan Tire to spend her bonus on the car which had an alignment and camber issue. With the camber slightly off and the right side alignment pulling inward, the drive was quite an experience prior to the fix. The improper alignment and situation of the axels and tierods made the tires wear down much faster than they should normally; they were worn down to the wear bar after 18,000 miles instead of 40,000. This misalignment was a result of a slight accident that we got into leaving our driveway 9 months ago, but was not diagnosed as an issue by Bonneville (to be expected) right after. Welcome to my driveway.

But I'll muscle through. Money's money right, no matter how much respect and dignity you have to sacrifice to get it right? :-p I'm kidding. I have my limits. But my hands are tied. I need the money, and the owner's son isn't there too much, he doesn't really work that much, so I don't need to hear it unless he gets bored and feels like pacing the floor arguing with the 65 year old war vet about politics (of which nobody at work knows the real facts), college (mostly accusing me of getting into drugs and sex), and other things that are usually put downs of our lifestyle because the owner happened to stumble onto money and the son got spoiled.

This brings me to how I get jabbed at work. Aside from the painful razor blades and 1200 degree torches that I have to use, and the chemicals I have to mix and the glasswork I have to do, there is little difficulty apart from having my morals and values brought into question. I do not advocate alcohol or drugs in any way, shape, or form. When the owner's son make the comment "Steve, you gotta work on lighting matches to light that hash pipe" my only response that jumped to the front of my mind was "we're not reliving your college days here Marc". He then promptly glanced at the floor and walked pigeon-toed to the front where his office sits. I know that wasn't the most tactful response. But I know my bounds, I really do. I am not one to act without thinking. Actually, usually I think too much about what I'm going to do. But I've done this before. He's talking in front of my parents accusing me of changing when I leave the house. This doesn't help my case when trying to get out of the house to see friends.

But in any case, it's all getting better I s'pose. I'm seeing my Katie tomorrow night for dinner and we're going to spend the night together for a while. That, you can be certain, is much anticipated. I really miss her you guys, in case you haven't been able to tell. I've never written so much as when I can't be with her. She's my incitement for all this telling the world my life thing. If you don't like it, well, I suppose you would've stopped reading, but if you're still reading and not liking what you're reading, blame her. :-p Goodnight all, take care, think about what you're doing, what you will do, but don't count out spontaneity, it'll help keep things lively.

earnestly and contently
Steve

If the plane goes down...then what happens next?

Left Behind and Missing Out

So, I have no car, I never bought one because I didn't like spending money. Now it seems like it would come in handy. Today, I, once again, went to work at 7:30 and got home around 5. Great day huh? Tomorrow, the same thing, Friday, half the work, but no gained personal time due to errands and events. My week is spent working. I live on a main road far away from friends. My dad works a second job so he takes the car at night and I am not willing to risk my life driving the truck around. I have a mother who sees no reason in driving the truck, as it costs too much in gas. Thus, I am stuck in my house alone. My friends live in a more accessible part of town, each with their own cars. So, like I would do, they get together and have a good time. And I really am happy for them, but I feel really left out.

So I've been waiting each day by the phone so I can talk to my girlfriend. If you think that's lame, you clearly don't know me. I'm so full of love I might as well be drowning in it. :-p But as I said in the last blog, she's really high in demand, so those calls never come. Tonight, I got a call from her at our friend's house. She was there and had me on speaker phone. We'd done this last night at her house to that friend's boyfriend, so I knew I was on speaker phone and they were joking around with me. Fun, but for me, it was pure torture, because that meant that that was another moment that I couldn't just talk with my Love and it reminded me that, once again, that phone call that we would share would end abruptly with me on the line, staring at the timer reading 3:26. It wasn't quite what I'd been waiting for.

Here's how it went down: she called at 9, did that little joke thingy and then took me off speaker phone. i asked how her day was and what they did. All I found out was that she was at the friend's house. She then asked if I was going to be online later tonight. I asked if I could call at 10, the time I was told to call at earlier this morning via an offline IM. She said that she'd probably still be out with friends then and that she'd be online later. Now, I've had very little sleep these last few days. This last week in fact, because I fear I'm having withdrawals from school and social activities. Add that to the fact that I have work again tomorrow for which I have to get up at 6:30 and her simple response of "later" made me nervous and sad. Now, do not, I repeat, DO NOT think I am mad at her. She is having fun, which is the reason for everything I do for her. I simply wish I were there with her to have fun, or even able to talk with her about all the fun she's having. I love her, and I just want to know how happy she is. If you've ever loved anyone, you know what I mean.

I got sad, I got quiet, I got sniffly. My lip quivered, as it often does when getting sniffly, and after a long-awaited heart felt "I love you" from her end, and a desperate and saddened, but equally heart felt "I love you too" from me, the phone call ended. This was after she advised me to smile, which did, briefly, make me smile, as I could remember that face she used to make at school when giving me the same advice. Now I sit her, it's 9:40, and my plan earlier was to be eagerly awaiting 10 to make the call that I'd been waiting all week for. All day, I powered through work telling myself, 12 hours left, 8 hours left, 5 hours left. Now, as zero hour approaches, I still find myself saying 2 hours left. My only break today was when, at the last 15 minutes of my lunch, I got in touch with my Love and had a nice, but very short conversation with her. It wasn't about anything in particular, it wasn't planning, it was just talking, exactly what I'd been waiting for. I miss her, I really do. I'm not mad. Once again, I'm very happy that she's having a good time. And each time I imagine her laughing and smiling, I do the same. But there's still that sensation of -I wish I were there with her-.

I'm sure it's not as bad as I wrote it. I don't want to reread this though, because that would mean reliving it all over again, and as I'm sure you can get out of what was written, I don't want to do that. But I assure you, I'm good, I'm cool, I'm fine. :-) I'll talk to her soon enough, right? Maybe I'll get to see her before Christmas; that'd be nice. For now, I leave you with this simple thought: don't make plans, don't set your heart on things that are out of your control. If something could change, it probably will. As long as people have free will and the opportunity cost of one choice outweighs the benefits of another choice, people will think on the margin and go with the more beneficial choice. For me, tonight I was the less beneficial choice, and that's ok, because my Love did what she wanted, and that's all I could ask for. I'm not discouraging you from making plans, just know that they could change, and that's ok, because everything'll work out as long as you don't let it ruin you.

I love you Love, with all my heart.
Steve

If the plane goes down...then what happens next?

Lack of College, Lack of Life

So, this one'll be a little less innovational, intriguing, and all that other epiphethic stuff. I just need a place, like all those little emo kids, to put my thoughts down. We came home from college last week and I've been here working all day and not being able to see my friends. It's understandable though, that we all have jobs and our schedules no longer meld quite like they used to. But I can't seem to shake that desire to be with them. I really miss one person, my girlfriend, who, now, is hard to get in touch with because she's so in demand. That's what you get when you date such an amazing girl. Now, this isn't fake doting, it's real. She's so caring and sweet that everyone wants to be with her all the time. For me, that means that although the time with her is amazing, it's limited. Our phone calls are cut short and our face to face time is usually with other people around and third wheel syndrom needs to be avoided, so that means I can't hold her. it's just a big change from college. And I know you don't want to read about it, but I'm assuming that since you've never met me, or maybe you have, then you'll just not really care. But I s'pose it'll be fine. We'll talk when we can, and it's not like she's moving on without me. It's just that I'm so used to always being there for her, like, physically, and now that I'm not it's like so much is happening to her and it feels like 1. she almost doesn't need me (even though I know she does and that she loves me, it just has that same feeling) and 2. that I'm not there for her like I should be (even though I really can't be the way I was at school). But I just want it the way it was before so I can see her. But this is sounding desperate and creepy. For those of you who don't know me, just write this off as a silly emo rant. For those of you that do, you know me, you know how I get; I miss her, I love her, and I know it's all part of school and that I'll get through it, there's no doubt about that, but I wish I could see her more, even talk to her. But again, with someone so in demand because of how amazing she is, I expected it.

All my love,
Steve

If the plane goes down...then what happens next?