Nobody Knows You When You're Down and Out

The title's misleading, I'm quite happy right now. Well, as happy as I can be considering that I am, once again, separated by a 15 minute drive from my Love. The title is just a result of me having that Eric Clapton song stuck in my head. But in any case, that Christmas party went well today. *free plug* Bugaboo Creek has really good chicken and steak. They're a nice place. The atmosphere is that of a Canadian cabin, but it's nice, apart from the sad dead animals on the walls. I got home and then at 6:30 I went to Beautiful's house for dinner and to spend time with her. We had so much fun with her family. I'm glad her parents really like me. I have a ton of fun joking around with them and all that. They're really nice people. We watched TV on the same couch, but because her parents were in the room, we didn't sit as close as we usually would've. Then we went and played guitar and piano together, but were interrupted by my mom calling and requesting me to come home because it was starting to rain and it might've iced over (we assume that's why I wasn't allowed to stay longer). But I didn't want to leave. I'd waited all week to see my Love, and our time was being cut short, once again, because of parents.

This week anyway has seemed like everything is against my spending time or hearing Gorgeous. The short phone calls, the little time together alone with her tonight, all that kind of stuff just makes it hard on me when I have to leave her. I finally got her back and then had to leave. I really really didn't want to go tonight, but I had to, and we both doled out the love and we talked after I got home. Apparently, she's been feeling the same separation sadness that I've been feeling, but because she's not taken on this whole self-analysis thing that I mentioned in the last blog, she's sane, I am drastically crazier without her. It's like part of me is gone for now, and nothing is as it should be, nothing is as good as it is with her.

I've realized, after tonight, that I'm not as crazy as I thought earlier. I am aware that I'm analyzing myself, but it's not changing my actions too much. Much of what I do I do anyway, regardless of whether I think about why or how I do it anyway. Like, much of my examining is done in reflection and not occurring as I act, thus it does not usually influence my actions. But I am really missing my Love, and that makes me do things that'll help pass the time faster so I don't realize how long it is between times that I can see her. So this detached sensation I'm getting isn't a result of reflecting or analyzing myself, it's a result of feeling empty without Beautiful. Looking back, I realize this now. At school, I never once got that feeling. At school, I was happier than I had ever been before for the sole purpose that I never felt isolated, I never felt left out, I had my life in my hands and things went as I made them go. I had my Love and I had my life, that was all I needed. Without my Love, my life is less good, not as nice. It's as simple as that.

But I'm tired. I've gotten very little sleep this last week. I've had a hard time sleeping thinking that I'm so far away from Gorgeous. I lay there and look at her picture and think of how nice it was to hold her and wait for that feeling again. The problem is, time moves so slowly when you lay there in bed listening to the clocks tick and imagine the warm embrace of the one you love. So, long story short, I like to think I've dodged another insanity bullet. But I really really miss my Love. Here's to you Gorgeous, you're always on my mind.

all my heart and soul
Steve

If the plane goes down...then what happens next?