Boredom and Disparity

So, today I'm really really bored. My Love is working and my "brother" is working his last day at Wal-Mart today. He and I are going to see Black Christmas sometime next week though, so that'll be good. I want to give him the present I got him. It's nothing too great, but it's a nice little thing. I'm eager for Tuesday and Wednesday next week, probably, because Gorgeous is off from work then and we're going to spend the day together. I know these last few posts have been mainly focused around her. That's basically because being away from her is the incitement for my writing this. Idle hands, remember. I need something to do, so I write in this. Without her, I have nobody to talk to about what's going on and how I'm feeling and stuff. She's my saving grace and my eternal ear. She listens, and with her not here, this stuff builds up and weighs heavily on me.

But it's almost Christmas; two more days. Then I get to see Beautiful. I have all next week off from both jobs; the tedious assembly one and the waiting job. I have to do a banquet on New Years Eve, hopefully it doesn't run into the next day. I have to be there at 4, so I'm hoping they end earlier than 1 a.m. It's not a bad job, waiting. The people that work with me are interesting and usually fun, and the customers are usually nice, but you do get several people who aren't happy with you bringing them what they want as they sit there and talk. But, such is life, and it pays well, so I can't complain.

As for my fear of idle hands, it's still here. And there is one thing looming in my mind that will go away in the coming months, but it will be quite some time before that goes away. I cannot shake that one thought, it will not leave my mind. Every thought that comes from it is merely a false product of that plaguing point. All the fears derived from that one issue are unfounded, but the base issue from which they arise is real, and that alone wheedles at me. I try to ignore it, but it's still there. That's why I can't be bored, that's why I have to keep going. If I'm not asleep, I have to be doing something. I'm either awake and moving or asleep and dreaming of Gorgeous. All I can say is that I'm torn between wanting these coming months to drag out so I can truly enjoy my time at school and wishing these coming months to quickly draw to a close so I can get past this constant thinking. This fear that comes from that issue is, as I said, unfounded. I am certain the feelings of such fears are imagined in my head. That is to say that what I fear I will feel as a result of the issue will not come true, yet the sensations that would be felt were my fears to be realized still run ramped in my mind.

But I'll get through it. I have to, it's part of life, this fear and sadness thing. Like I said, once I'm back at school and have my life in my hands again, these fears and this sadness that I shook ages ago will disappear again. I just need to trust people, and I just need to trust myself. If I take what people say for what the words mean, then I will be better off. I do trust certain people with all my heart. But reality changes in the blink of an eye. What I know to be true and real today could shift and become a fallacy tomorrow. I return to Dave Matthews: "Once upon a time, when the world was just a pancake, fears would arise that if you went too far, you'd fall. But with the passage of time, it all became more of a ball. We're as sure of that as we all once were when the world was flat." Things change. What we know could be wrong, and what we don't could prove right. What we don't know, or perhaps what we disregard for fear of it being true could, in fact, be true. Is living in ignorance bliss, or is living in denial better? Is it better to not know what's out there that could be true, or know that what you think could be wrong, or is it better to be aware of the possibilities and pound into your head the belief that those possibilities will not surface on the side of founded truth? I'm not sure. I'll let you know when I find out.

Take care, and live it up. I'll be sitting here waiting for 9:30 tonight, and then waiting for perhaps 10:30 tomorrow night, then enjoying Christmas and looking ahead to Christmas night, then praying for, God willing, the longest and slowest Tuesday and Wednesday, provided that things go our way. Happy holidays all, and I'll talk to you soon.

idly yet lovingly yours
Steve

If the plane goes down...then what happens next?