SIlly Me

So, I've been going absolutely insane these last few days. I find that I'm only crazy when left to think. If I have something to do or something to distract me, I'm fine. When I'm left to think, I go bonkers. It's like, I believe in self improvement. This is a dangerous endeavor because I am voluntarily taking it on my own to argue against myself. That's basically what's happening. Everyone has ideals that they feel strongly for. With me, for some reason, I've developed this "attempt to see something from all sides" mentality, which leads to myself arguing against what I feel. This literally is driving me crazy. There is this surreal sensation that I no longer have adamant feelings about many things, there are some things that I still have opinions on and whatnot. But it's like, when I think something, I now mull it over in my head to see if someone else might possibly see it otherwise, and if there is an alternate mindset that may exist, I see if it is sustainable in reality. I am virtually arguing with myself, making me not trust myself, and making me see almost everything I do from a nonobjective view, like I'm not living my life, but rather watching from a first person standing, the life of someone else.

This is all making me sound insane. I don't think I'm crazy, then again, crazy people rarely do. If you know me, and know me well, because knowing me will not endow you with the knowledge that a small small handful of people have on me. But if you know me really well, then you know I'm not crazy, I'm just a jumble of trying to please everyone, please myself, find out the truth, have my own opinions without offending anyone, and trying to make everything perfect, despite the fact that perfection does not exist. It is incredibly taxing. When I'm not busy, when I'm not preoccupied, I think about what I think and why I think it and see if what I do will lead to anything that could be seen by someone somewhere as not quite what's best for reality. Apparently, what's best for me takes a backseat in my mind to what's best for the collective.

I think this can be tied into the fact that there's just many things in life that are difficult to deal with. Not like, life in general, well, yeah, life in general, but also in my life specifically. You know, sister not doing well financially, parents just being around each other too much so they wear on each other, money problems with our family. It's all stuff everyone goes through, so I'm not saying like, look at me, pity me. But at school, I was somewhat away from this. When I had my life mostly under my control, that's when things were the best. After coming home for this first week on vacation, my life, once again, fell into the hands of outside forces. Things became inconsistent with the life I'd developed at school and it shocked me mentally, forcing me to where I am today, or rather was before I started distracting myself with guitar and writing this and just other random stuff. Idle hands are my enemy. Idle hands make ravaged minds.

I'm doing dandy, hehe, I promise you. No suicidal thoughts or anything along those lines. No rampages planned in the near future nor anything of that nature. I simply want that control I had at school again, and I need that little bit of consistency. I need the ability to plan my day to keep myself going to avoid idleness. I cannot sit in my head alone, because then I argue with my thoughts and feelings, not in the schizophrenic way, but in the sense that if I someone else feels as adamantly about something as I do, who's to say that I'm right and they're not? When someone attempts to give psychiatric treatment, and not even treatment, just analysis, to oneself, trouble ensues. Because you are viewing yourself from a third person viewpoint. You are taking away your personal relation to your life and making it an outside view. You are virtually taking yourself out of reality and making yourself view your life rather than live it. It's a terrible place to be. You can make yourself better, but do not attempt to analyze why you do things and why you think things. Just know that you do and that's the way your brain is wired. You are elements and electrons. You feel the way you do because your brain works that way. When you change what you feel, you're rewiring your brain, kind of, not really. But your making a new norm. You're recalibrating, finding a new center, further away from where you started, and eventually, you end up so far from where you began that you are barely tangential to who and what you were when you began your "self improvement". So, I'm fine, no worries. But remember, tread softly on the mental terrain; it's easy to get lost.

all my love and sincerity,
Steve

If the plane goes down...then what happens next?