Left Behind and Missing Out

So, I have no car, I never bought one because I didn't like spending money. Now it seems like it would come in handy. Today, I, once again, went to work at 7:30 and got home around 5. Great day huh? Tomorrow, the same thing, Friday, half the work, but no gained personal time due to errands and events. My week is spent working. I live on a main road far away from friends. My dad works a second job so he takes the car at night and I am not willing to risk my life driving the truck around. I have a mother who sees no reason in driving the truck, as it costs too much in gas. Thus, I am stuck in my house alone. My friends live in a more accessible part of town, each with their own cars. So, like I would do, they get together and have a good time. And I really am happy for them, but I feel really left out.

So I've been waiting each day by the phone so I can talk to my girlfriend. If you think that's lame, you clearly don't know me. I'm so full of love I might as well be drowning in it. :-p But as I said in the last blog, she's really high in demand, so those calls never come. Tonight, I got a call from her at our friend's house. She was there and had me on speaker phone. We'd done this last night at her house to that friend's boyfriend, so I knew I was on speaker phone and they were joking around with me. Fun, but for me, it was pure torture, because that meant that that was another moment that I couldn't just talk with my Love and it reminded me that, once again, that phone call that we would share would end abruptly with me on the line, staring at the timer reading 3:26. It wasn't quite what I'd been waiting for.

Here's how it went down: she called at 9, did that little joke thingy and then took me off speaker phone. i asked how her day was and what they did. All I found out was that she was at the friend's house. She then asked if I was going to be online later tonight. I asked if I could call at 10, the time I was told to call at earlier this morning via an offline IM. She said that she'd probably still be out with friends then and that she'd be online later. Now, I've had very little sleep these last few days. This last week in fact, because I fear I'm having withdrawals from school and social activities. Add that to the fact that I have work again tomorrow for which I have to get up at 6:30 and her simple response of "later" made me nervous and sad. Now, do not, I repeat, DO NOT think I am mad at her. She is having fun, which is the reason for everything I do for her. I simply wish I were there with her to have fun, or even able to talk with her about all the fun she's having. I love her, and I just want to know how happy she is. If you've ever loved anyone, you know what I mean.

I got sad, I got quiet, I got sniffly. My lip quivered, as it often does when getting sniffly, and after a long-awaited heart felt "I love you" from her end, and a desperate and saddened, but equally heart felt "I love you too" from me, the phone call ended. This was after she advised me to smile, which did, briefly, make me smile, as I could remember that face she used to make at school when giving me the same advice. Now I sit her, it's 9:40, and my plan earlier was to be eagerly awaiting 10 to make the call that I'd been waiting all week for. All day, I powered through work telling myself, 12 hours left, 8 hours left, 5 hours left. Now, as zero hour approaches, I still find myself saying 2 hours left. My only break today was when, at the last 15 minutes of my lunch, I got in touch with my Love and had a nice, but very short conversation with her. It wasn't about anything in particular, it wasn't planning, it was just talking, exactly what I'd been waiting for. I miss her, I really do. I'm not mad. Once again, I'm very happy that she's having a good time. And each time I imagine her laughing and smiling, I do the same. But there's still that sensation of -I wish I were there with her-.

I'm sure it's not as bad as I wrote it. I don't want to reread this though, because that would mean reliving it all over again, and as I'm sure you can get out of what was written, I don't want to do that. But I assure you, I'm good, I'm cool, I'm fine. :-) I'll talk to her soon enough, right? Maybe I'll get to see her before Christmas; that'd be nice. For now, I leave you with this simple thought: don't make plans, don't set your heart on things that are out of your control. If something could change, it probably will. As long as people have free will and the opportunity cost of one choice outweighs the benefits of another choice, people will think on the margin and go with the more beneficial choice. For me, tonight I was the less beneficial choice, and that's ok, because my Love did what she wanted, and that's all I could ask for. I'm not discouraging you from making plans, just know that they could change, and that's ok, because everything'll work out as long as you don't let it ruin you.

I love you Love, with all my heart.
Steve

If the plane goes down...then what happens next?