It's a New Dawn, It's a New Day, It's a New Life, and I'm Feeling Good

Sophmore year's almost here everybody, well, not for everybody, but for me at least. I've got my RA job to keep me busy and my new residents to keep me on my toes. ;-) I'm looking forward to it; it should be fantastic. But, I've things to do, so, for now, as always, I must leave you not satiated and slightly disappointed with what you've just read. So, take care and have fun. I'll see you on the other side of the sunrise.

If the plane goes down...then what happens next?

What's That I Hear?...the All Clear Bell?! Everybody Out!!

All's well that ends well. Of course, that doesn't necessarily mean that the journey went well, but at least it's over. Three cheers for skins of teeth and seats of pants.

If the plane goes down...then what happens next?

Coping Cruise

I just went for a bike ride, to clear my head. That's what I do. I go as far as I can, as fast as I can, and it's like running from my issues. It helped for a bit until I laid down and looked at the sky and thought about it again. It was an hour into things, 7:00 pm. I think I remember what happened at 7. That was not what I was worried about, not what I thought would take their minds off me. It was what happens after people are through with that which 7 brought 'round. After they're through with 7 comes the distractions, their distractions, and with it their happiness, my goal. But that happiness, again, is brought about by something, someone, other than me, which is fine, but again, I won't be thought of, that's what I fear. I'm sorry. If you're reading this, I apologize. This is my brain again. You shouldn't listen to it. Like I said in yesterday's post, it's a game my mind plays, it's its trying to take control and cloud reality. I shouldn't write, it's making things worse.

If the plane goes down...then what happens next?

Out of My Hands and Out of My Mind

I am stuck inside right now, I can't leave and it's making things hard. My mind is just stuck imagining what's going on without me. It's different than what it is while I work. Because what's going on without me is something that I experienced last year, and something which I have memories of. This makes it even harder because I know the mindset of those in attendance, and I know the feeling that wells in the air. I won't be thought of, I won't be remembered, maybe once, but thoughts will be elsewhere.

Wait, now, those are the thoughts I've been trying to avoid, that's what hums in my brain when I'm not distracted. I just want to be thought of, if I can't be there, I want to be thought of. I don't know if it'll happen, and I don't know how often, but I just want to be thought of so they can think me there while I imagine the same. But I went through it before, I was there, I had my fun, no second chances. I'm glad they're having fun, I just want to be thought of. I have to stop. I can't keep thinking like this. Ok, I'm telling myself again, I will be thought of, and they're having fun, and that's what I want, and even though I'm not the one making them happy, they're still happy, and that's what I want. God fuck it, I have to go. I have to stop thinking about it. Damn it. Bye.

If the plane goes down...then what happens next?

Tomorrow's Saving Grace

Come to me Tomorrow, come to me today, bring your new beginnings and send them all my way. Take away that thug Today and beat him in the head, break his back and punch his gut for that's what he's done to me. Today has beat me senseless and you're my only hope. Tomorrow come and save me and please help me to cope.

Right now, what I feel, is like I am missing the best moments in the life of someone I love. Imagine having a child, your own young, someone for whom you wish a world of happiness and for whom you'll stop at nothing to fulfill their dreams. And you want to be able to give everything to this person, but you find that there are certain times you cannot do that, for the sole fact that it is out of your hands and out of your abilities. Now this young that you care for, you've watched them grow and seen them live, but now a time comes when you can't be with them, when they go off for a night without you to have fun, the fun you wish you could give. What I feel is like missing your son's final little league game because you have to work to feed him when he gets home, or missing your daughter's prom. You'll hear about their great time, you'll hear stories and see pictures, and the whole time you'll have plastered to your face a fake smile covering the pain you feel because you couldn't be there. I s'pose all that matters in the end is that they're happy, but it's difficult to get over knowing that you missed a moment in their life that they'll remember and cherish forever, and you had nothing to do with it. Imagine trying day in and day out to make memories and moments which make them happiest, and them something comes along that does that, and it wasn't you that made them happy. That's what I'm fighting with now, that's why it's tough, that's why today will never exist again.

If the plane goes down...then what happens next?

I Dance For You

I breathe, slowly taking in that which keeps me living, a love from light, breaking apart the stresses of each day and reminding me of the beauty within the world. I hold in deep that life blood, that sense of passion I feel for you, and warm it with each beat of my heart as it courses through my veins and emerges from each graze of my fingertips on your cheek. I steal moments from each day to blink, doing so with a certain willingness born from confidence that with each instant my eyes are closed I will still see your face. I close my mouth and bridle words of emotion for seconds in order to swallow, knowing that as each second passes that I'm not telling you how much I love you I'm imbibing of your faith, of your looks and our love. Each action my body takes, each natural physical motion is driven by us, by the understanding that my life is your life, and that you are my world. This routine, this daily course, this pattern is my schedule and my blueprint; my guide to living, my chalk lines and tape crosses noting my positions on this public stage. It's my cues and my marks for the dance I dance for you. My life is my dance for you, my gait and my stride, assembled with care to make us beautiful, to make our motion one, to meld our lives and create a new dance together with which to stun the world. The song is these words, the music our heart beats, linked as one, for they beat together, feeding of the same air and drinking of the same blood. This is my dance, the one I save for you each day, the one I wake for, the one I fall asleep to, and the one I save for you tonight. So breathe, move, and live, for it's by doing this that you guarantee love, and love is happiness. In this life, I'm happy.

I love you.

If the plane goes down...then what happens next?

The Twenty-Sixth

Send me distraction, send me work, for in my mind a terror lurks; an image, a thought, a picture with sounds, a horrid display that I don't want around; a rupture of pain, a cyst on the brain, a pitch fork, a cleaver, a fierce roaring flame; a struggle, a war, being waged in my mind, and the treaty, the papers, left buried to find among mountains of work and hilltops of stress, and miles to muddle through of unyielding mess; a journey I'll take, and one which I'll run, without looking back, but without having fun. And when I eclipse the moon at my back, and squint to the sun amidst an unending attack, I'll ask why it happened, ask why I must; my jaw will lay slackened and my skin caked with dust, and tears in my eyes and blood on my skin, and a bruise on my brain which hemorrhaged from within. From those questions will rise a most simple reply, one for which pain will soon justify; a smile, a look, a touch, a smell; a love that would make it worth going through Hell. And then, only then, will this upcoming day be worth all my strife and worth making me prey. I'll do what I must, I'll live how I should, and I'll smile in faces of the cussed and the good, and I'll say "you're welcome" as they say "you had to", and I'll respond simply and falsely "I'm glad to". And they'll go on laughing, recalling that day as the day they relived all they thought they had missed, and I'll sit there sobbing with my lack of bliss; my knees to my chin and my eyes to the floor and my back pressed up tightly to the solid oak door, attempting to block all the words and the thoughts of a day which crept up and wrapped me in knots. And all will be well in this world for while, and I'll keep on trucking with a quivering smile, cuz I know that I won't, I can't understand, why my mind makes me sad and then clutches my hand and drags me through trenches and tugs me through barbs and strikes me with paddles tipped with tiny glass shards, and why it is that my thoughts are so wrong, so far from my heart, as they've been for so long, and why it is I feel pain as I do for picturing something that's not even true, and why, if my heart knows I did the right thing, my mind is still writhing and tugging at strings, moving my moods and crippling my spine, and moving away from my heart so divine. So heart, my dear friend, if you're still inside, hold on, fight strong, and soon you'll reside in a place free of this torment and woe that's been tracking us now for six months or so, and just let the mind do what it will and we'll be together after it's had its fill, and we'll be all set and things will be great and then Love will come back and remind us of fate, and how all the things the mind made us feel meant nothing at all for nothing was real, and we'll be quite happy with tomorrow then passed and we'll never look back, fearing stones cast will hurtle through eyelids and pummel through veins and resurface as shambles and bring back the pains, and we'll just ignore all the pictures and sounds that shouldn't be near and shouldn't be 'round, and we'll live our life, my heart and myself, with tomorrow locked tight in a box on a shelf, and ne'er shall we open that box wrapped in chains for fear of the terror and fear of those pains, and tomorrow will be as a hole in a page of the history books that chronicle age, and never again will it be brought up, and joy will run free for the twenty-sixth is locked up.

YUP!!

If the plane goes down...then what happens next?

Just Something

I've got a lot to write about, but right now, after two weeks of business, I have nothing to do, so I'll just settle down, drink my soup, and watch TV. For now, this is to hold you over until next time:

You Are 20 Years Old

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

This Aint About the Things You Say

Love is a funny thing. You can do something wrong, and the other person could be saddened by you or disappointed or angry, but the love just keeps growing. And in a short moment, there are no words of despair or resentment, only expressions of love and passion. This is not to say that you can never do anything wrong with love, it just means that there will always be someone to share in your embarrassment and your mistakes. This is the world we live in folks, embrace it and wonder at it, because love is something that even the best theorists and philosophers still marvel over.

all my sincerity and appreciation
Steve

If the plane goes down...then what happens next?

Sometimes Priorities Take Priority

Sleep that knits up the ravell'd sleeve of care,
The death of each day's life, sore labour's bath,
Balm of hurt minds, great nature's second course,
Chief nourisher in life's feast
-Macbeth

So goodnight everyone. The ones you love will be there waiting for you when you awaken, this I can promise. As you dream about waking actions, those closest to you are lying awake, thinking about you dreaming, longing for your love and imagining your voice conversing with theirs.

all my love and longing
Steve

If the plane goes down...then what happens next?

Wishy Washy

So, as usual, people's moods changed and things are better. Love made it through her surgery just fine. Everyone is feeling better and Love just happened to put my world back into perspective. I still really want to go back to school though. I get to see Beautiful all day, well, most of the day Friday, and some of the day Saturday, so this is looking good. You know, I don't have much to write in this one. But it's amazing how hearing Gorgeous talk about the way things really are, like they're never as bad as they seem, really makes me feel better. I'm the luckiest, most cliche guy to have a girl like her. :-p So, for now, goodnight all. Goodnight Love. Sweet dreams all. And remember, if you get overwhelmed, remember that there's someone out there that doesn't have a clouded mind that can help you work through it, you just have to find them and talk their ear off. :-)

all my love and gratitude
Steve

If the plane goes down...then what happens next?

Counting the Days that I Must Spend Counting

I really really want to go back to school. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be home. I want to go back. I don't want to deal with these issues that I got away from. i don't want to see the people that I left and I don't want to hear about the things that I tried to block out. I want to go back to school. I want to be with the girl that I love and learn about things that I want to know more about. I want to make my own schedule again and I want to be able to make decisions for myself again. I don't want to be here. There are just under two weeks left and it's going to be a struggle to make it. I do not want to be here anymore. I want to go back. Please, I just want to go back.

For You Love

Love, I wish you the best of luck. I'm here for you, regardless of when you read this, and I'll be praying for you these next few days, all while thinking of you constantly. I love you.

Two More Weeks Folks

There's this slow process taking place before our eyes my friends; the slow and steady deterioration of my mental stability while here at home. I feel it slipping. I said before that things were getting better. This may still be true, yet not as assuredly as earlier. I realized that things only seem to be getting better when I find bits and pieces of that life that I had back at school. When those pieces leave, even if temporarily, I start to kind of lose touch with that confidence and happiness that I knew at school. I run into that feeling of "ok, how do I deal with this now?" and it's like rather than helping make positive things happen, I spend my time attempting to avoid and repair the bad things and if a good things just happens to happen, then great.

I am miserable at home. It's as simple as that. As with everything, I have my moments where it's nice to be home. But those moments are quickly outweighed by the difficulties brought about by coming back home. I just don't want to be here anymore. I want to be back at school, that's it. Maybe this too is a passing state, things've changed quickly before. But the more I think about it, I realize that things have changed for me, yet have not changed for my parents. Thus, with my new adaptations and my new ways of doing things and all that, my whole transformation of how I view things, with that whole shift, my life gets really tough because there is so much resistance and they understand so little now that things just don't work out between us anymore. I've realized that the way that they see things, especially the way my mom sees things, is greatly skewed and after going away, getting away from that whole bias thing, I've developed that whole ability to view situations with a better and less objective mindset. With a little help from Gorgeous and just being out almost on my own, not quite though, I've made this shift and it's really made me realize that my parents, all this time, have been the ones that have been wrong (sometimes, not always). Now, when I go with what I feel is right, I no longer wind up going with what they see as right, and that means that they see me doing the wrong thing which leads to issues.

It's just tough. I really really want to go back to school. And quite frankly, for the next four months that we're there, I do not want to come back home, it's as simple as that. I'll talk to my parents on the phone, but I do not want to go through this separation from the life that I now favor. That's all I have for you. New views do not mix with old habits, remember that. But there're just two more weeks of work and then I'm back to life and love, so, I'll tough it out, and you'll be there to witness it with me. Good luck, and happy new year.

all my sincerity and best wishes
Steve

If the plane goes down...then what happens next?