Ringing in the New Year

So, today is New Years' Eve. And in just under 24 hours, I'll get to ring in the new year with my Love. I'm just really excited because although I've seen her these past few days, I've spent little time holding her in my arms. So for the final moments of this year and the freshest moments of the next, I'm going to hold her as close to my heart as possible. So, for now, that's all I wish to tell you. And remember that the love you find will be the truest and most completing sensation of your life if you are so lucky as to find it. Take care and happy New Year!

all my love
Steve

If the plane goes down...then what happens next?

After Christmas Surprise and Sensations Well Appreciated

So, today, the day after Christmas, the mail lady came to the front door with a package. In all her cigarette smelling glory, she held up the package and said, there's a package here for you from Australia. Hm, could this be that big surprise gift that my mom had been eagerly awaiting for two weeks? Indeed it was. You see, in July, I went on a two week trip to Australia, Hawaii, New Zealand, and Fiji. There, I had my long lost lolly love the Chupa Chup. I then found out about amazingly good cookies called Tim Tams. My mom, apparently, had ordered two packages of Chupa Chups and five packages of different flavor Tim Tams like dark chocolate and fudge, original, rich caramel, and another that I don't remember. For those of you who haven't had them, get some. http://www.greataussiefood.com.au/

Also, things for this week are looking a little better as well, because I'm getting together with Kevin for maybe 5 hours tomorrow, so that's better than a short movie. Then, on Thursday I get to see my Love, and Friday I get to see her even longer. So, this is a banner week for me. I've been using the new looping pedal that I got for Christmas with my guitar. It's so much fun. I can play songs with many guitar parts with one single guitar. It takes some practice to get the pedal work down. I never knew how tough it would be to keep the flow going and use the pedal properly. I now have a lot more respect for the guitarists that have mastered the use of the pedals that are out there, especially the looping pedal where you have to know when to switch it on to record one guitar part and then stop it's recording so it loops and then continue on with a solo or other guitar part. It's tough, but oh so fun.

That's about all I have for you now. I've got to take down Christmas lights tomorrow, and I have a feeling the rest of this week is going to go by really quickly, sadly, now that things are happening that I want to happen. Take care.

all my love and happiness
Steve

If the plane goes down...then what happens next?

Yet Another Successful Christmas

So, it was a fair Christmas. I got what I wanted, some things that I didn't, but that's how it goes. :-) And, I got to talk to Gorgeous today, and I'll be seeing her on Thursday and maybe Kevin on Wednesday. That means that tomorrow is really my only day alone, which is great. Gorgeous went down to Christmas with her uncles and her family, but we talked for a good while afterwards as I stood outside struggling to keep cell phone reception. That made my day. Christmas is one thing, but talking to the girl you love, well, that completely overshadows Christmas. I really have nothing else to say. Things are working out well because I've tried to get my control of my life back. And I really am not in the mood to write. I'm just too satisfied with things. I'd rather be doing something else, because everything is dandy. So, I'm happy, you're hopefully happy, and I'll talk to soon. Take care.

all my love and happiness
Steve

If the plane goes down...then what happens next?

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas!! And I miss you Love.

Cheerily and lovingly yours
Steve

If the plane goes down...then what happens next?

Never Before Have I Felt As Recently

So, it's the first dozen minutes of Christmas. Good morning. And I just got off the phone with the girl of my dreams, the one that lives in my heart and claims ownership of my soul. We talked, and we sniffled, and we both realized that at that moment, all either of us wanted was to be able to hold the other in their arms. We both felt an unconditional love, and we realized that there was nothing that could make us happier than to repeat the words "I love you" over and over. My eyes closed, and I pictured her there, staring at her bed as she whispered silently. With each word we listened to the other, not wanting to miss one heartfelt word. I assure you, never before have I wanted to simply show up in her room and hold her forever more than at that moment. That's all I can give you, that's all I can share. The rest I hold in my heart and will relive in my dreams until the next time I hear her voice. I must say one thing though; when you find this feeling, cherish it, and until then, take note of how you feel, because once you find this love, you will think of no other question more perplexing than "where did I go right to get me where I am now?"

Good day everyone. Merry Christmas, and may you spend your days with the one you love.

my love belongs to one, my words belong to all
Steve

If the plane goes down...then what happens next?

Things Are Never What the Appear They Will Be

So, today was dandy. It could've been smoother, but I assure you, everyone's still living, and nobody really got incredibly mad, just a little pissed, if that makes sense. Jaclyn never came over until later, like, around 5:30. The three of us, my dad, mom, and I, had already started playing Monopoly with Christmas music in the background. I must say, we never feel more like a family than when we're a family without one member. Granted, that's not the nicest way to look at things, because we are still family, we're just happier with one less member.

So, Jaclyn arrived and my mom's grimace never left her face, save those moments that Alexandria, my sister's kid (two years old) was being cute. We still never finished the game of Monopoly, so we'll have to do that later. I hope it doesn't run much further into 10 o'clock because I want to call Gorgeous. But if I don't get to call her, at least I'll see her online tonight and I'll get to call her tomorrow night. We ended up going into my parents' bedroom to quickly wrap some of Jaclyn and Alex's presents so they could each open their one allotted Christmas Eve presents. That's what we do, one on Christmas Eve for each person, you know, to kind of ease the jitters of waiting for all those tempting gifts.

That was a little stressful, because my mom was rushing to get all Jaclyn's wrapped so Jaclyn could go out to that Christmas party that she was heading out to, with Alex. This, we think, isn't the best idea, because Jaclyn is still trying to act like a teenager without a kid. She has no spouse, but a kind of steady boyfriend, yet his parents don't approve of Jaclyn. With her background of hedonism and sin, their religious views do not allow for John to get as close to her as he'd like. But Jaclyn, we think, shouldn't be taking Alex to the party because it is going to go late, and Alex should be eating a regular dinner and get to bed at a reasonable hour, she's two, she needs some form of consistency. But it's not a huge deal, so, no worries.

But yeah, everything's fine for the most part, no hurt feelings or anything. Hopefully I win Monopoly, but if I do my best, maybe I can start an oligarchy with my mom. :-p I miss my Love, as always. You've seen it, is there ever a moment that I don't? I'm not going insane either, because I'm doing stuff, we're playing a game, wrapping gifts, writing this blog. I'm just not left to relax, which is good, because relaxing is bad for me. Unless I'm relaxing with someone I love, then it's fine, because my minds on enjoying that time. But yeah, today wasn't that bad because, Yup, idle hands never arose. I'm just passing the time until next Friday friends, with a slight break in the esperando-ing to spend some time with my "brother" Kevin.

So, tonight, unless something else of importance arises, I leave you until the end of Christmas. So, goodnight all, thank your parents, thank Santa, and thank your lucky stars that life is as interesting as it is. Yup, you heard me.

covertly and overtly yours
Steve

If the plane goes down...then what happens next?

You Do What You Do Because You've Done What You've Done

My sister's a screw up, but she tries. But she doesn't try hard. She tries enough to say she's trying. She tries enough to do what needs to be done, sometimes. But she does not try enough to keep herself out of financial troubles and does not try to improve the relationship she has with my parents. I start by telling you this because Jaclyn has changed tradition with the advent of her two year old daughter. She is opting to go to a christmas party this Christmas Eve, IE tonight, and forced us to rearrange our plans for the day. Our usual evening begins with a movie, then perhaps a game, all the while gently nibbling on finger sandwiches, chips, and cheese and crackers. But with us, we always end up arguing. It starts with a suggestion or criticism from my mom, it always does. Jaclyn does something that my mom disagrees with or critiques, and Jaclyn does not appreciate free advice. Mom then gets angry at Jaclyn and it snowballs from there. This is how each day goes, why should Christmas time be any different?

There's still much to get done today, wrapping, visiting family, and some other minor loose ends to tie up. With no help being solicited from my dad, and my mom tense from a heated phone conversation with Jaclyn in which blame was tossed back and forth, my mom is raging. She's throwing insults, hitting below the belt, and making comments that should not be made. Regardless of whether or not she's angry, she still has enough sense about her to know that we try, but with her, it's her way or no way, that's it. She doesn't like my new acknowledgement that there are other ways to do things that aren't her own; yet another product of going to college and learning to live for myself.

So, Jaclyn was turned away because had she not rescheduled our day as she did, we would have had no problems getting done what we need to get done. Now, Jaclyn will not come over on Christmas Eve, we won't play our game, we won't open our one pre-Christmas present, and my mom will stew in her bedroom as my dad and I talk uncomfortably, perhaps playing cards. It always happens this way. Christmas is always a chore, birthdays, mother's day, thanksgiving; it's all some big issue with my mom. I love her, but she does not act as she should. She doesn't go with the "if life gives you lemons..." mantra. But she makes me nervous. With her raging and irrational state that results from anger, I worry for her health, I worry for her safety. I like to think she's not as rash as to um, take that one last leap, but when she says things like "I just can't take this" and "I've just had it with everything" I don't know what else I'm supposed to think.

My dad is the better of the two, there's no doubt. He's the nicer one. He's more childish, while my mom is vastly more responsible, but he's nicer, he's more understanding. My mom keeps us afloat, but she does it with the sacrafice of her happiness. I do all I can to make her happy, to help her. My dad works two jobs, so it's understandable that at some point he'd like to relax for a bit. But my mom sees work that needs to be done and tells my father to do it. Both have a foundation to their side, yet neither will concede for a moment. So I try to help my mom, and have fun with my dad, and I try to give them (mainly my mom) what they want while still attempting to keep the life that I'm trying to found for myself going. I am trying to make everyone happy again, like I always have, and it simply doesn't work. It just doesn't.

My mom and dad went to my grandmother's today, just a few moments ago. I was willing to go. We're not an overly close family, but it is nice to see them every now and again. My mom, as I was online writing my professors, which she didn't know, she just knew I was on the computer, asked me if I wanted to go with that sardonic tone in her voice. I said sure, she forced a mocking laugh and said that I never wanted to go before. I claimed that I had no problem going, that I was getting ready to leave as we spoke. She didn't want to hear it, she ordered me to stay and stormed downstairs calling me and my father names.

We're on a road to Hell friends. The road to Hell is paved with good intentions. That's the addage right? There's no way off it. If you have good intentions, you get screwed. If you don't, nobody likes you and you're left to take on the world alone, which is impossible to successfully do. In either case, there is no escape. Granted, you won't necessarily go to Hell if you try to appease people or if you don't. But you're life is going to be difficult either way. It's so easy to get caught up in thinking that everyone could be happy. If I just do this for them, but do this for someone else, they'll both be happy. But you spread yourself thin friend. I've been there. I've spent weeks on end running around organizing schedules and acts to make things work for everyone. It doesn't happen. Nobody is ever happy. There's always more that they want. You do something nice for them, then they get used to it and are hurt if you don't do something for them again. it's not taking things for granted, it's not seeing what sacrafices are made to satiate people's needs.

Where are we going? Like, what are we aiming for with all we do. Are we aiming for communal happiness or self happiness. Is self happiness the result of communal? Because I know when other people are happy, they leave you alone to revile in what they have. But to make other people happy takes a lot of work, and that usually deminishes the amount of self happiness one feels. So why are we trying to appease everyone? Well, if you look out for yourself, you won't be there to help others, which helps them make themselves happy. So people, ultimately, end up not being as happy as they could be were they to get outside help. But giving help takes away from your happiness. It's an endless give and take cycle. But if you try to help others, you're not guaranteed any happiness, you could find some, but you're not guaranteed. If you try to make yourself happy, then you are guaranteed at least some level of joy. Thus, with the use of the Game Theory, people's safest choice is to look out for themselves, and perhaps take a small amount of time to help others. Wow, it makes the world sound so selfish.

Christmas is usually ok. Just as the day of any holiday is usually fine. It's the build up to it that rips at our family. My mom's discontentment, my dad's battered spirit, induced by my mom, and my sister's shambled life, brought upon by herself, all work together to work against each other. Nobody's character steps up to help others be happy, because the subconscious Game Theory has been played out, and each member of the family has arrived at the conclusion that what's best for them is to make themself happy, regardless of how the other members feel. It's tough, it really is. I miss school. I miss my Love. Because between a life that I started to mold on my own with a girl that loves me, and a life out of my hands and away from love, I have no sanctuary. All I have is Beautiful. I have my family, of course, I always will. But there is no comparison to the level of happiness that I get from being with her. I cannot confide in my family like I can Gorgeous. She is my sanity, she is my soul. The rest is here to make life worth writing about. Take care, and happy holidays.

longingly yours
Steve

If the plane goes down...then what happens next?