New News is...Well, It's News

It's been some time. I'd like to say it's because my schedule didn't allow for my sitting down to write for hours. Really, it's been college, my job (Resident Assistant), and just an understanding that taking myself away from my life for some time each day would create problems. If you take your hands off the wheel of the car for an hour, who knows what would happen? Yet, I had breakfast plans this morning that fell through. So here I am, in your home, and on your screen.

I'd like to thank the person who posted on my "All Clear Bell" writing. I just got your comment and figured I should keep you entertained further.

It's been nearly two years since I've spoken, and I've all but lost my entire fan base. It's a little sad, but I s'pose if my stories are any good, they'll come back. So, I've the RA job. What that means is that I become friends with people, lead them, teach them, give them advice, and watch it all go out the window when they do something stupid. I watch people damage their lives and their bodies with alcohol when they lack the maturity not only to wait until the legal age, but to use it sparingly. I watch people, each weekend night, go out with their backpacks (filled with alcohol) and their friends (girls dressed like tramps/trollups/tarts/sluts/rape victims). And they come back at 3:00, 4:00, sometimes 5:00 in the morning. Of course at this point, they're teetering back and forth, talking incoherently and loudly, pissing for a minute and a half in one shot, then fighting with the lock to their room before they collapse on their beds (God help 'em if they have a top bunk).

But my two years passed have been great. I've met many amazing people, and I've developed great stories. Hopefully you'll get some of them. We'll see; I make no promises. This year, I've come back to the same building as a Returning RA. What this means is that I am the guiding arm to the other RAs on my staff. I've a new Hall Director; she's much more business oriented than the last one, but I guess that leads to getting things done. Our staff is great, although not as good as last years. We lack that love we had for each other before. This year we're all good friends, but last year, I don't know, it was just much warmer.

My girlfriend and I are still together, fighting less than before. I've changed myself a fair amount, as is she making attempts to better herself. Otherwise, my family's doing alright. My mom is taking my niece on more as a daughter. She's spending money on my loser sister and her kid that my mom really doesn't have. We had a relative help us redo our roof a few weeks ago. Now, relatives do favors, or should. Well, he said originally $1,200 and could change depending on how much work my dad did. So my uncle said that my dad did much more work than he expected; out early before my uncle showed up, working long after he left. My mom and I made several trips to the dump to remove the old shingles, and we all carried heavy bundles up to the back deck and then to the roof. The final verdict: $1,700! That's 500 dollars more than was quoted, and more work was done than he originally thought would be.

I begged my mom to talk with her brother about him overcharging. She didn't. I asked her to try, to reason with him, to explain our financial situation. She didn't. All she did was, as is the case with big purchases she can't afford, take the money out of my savings account temporarily to pay me back later (interest free). I don't want that, I'm losing the 1% annual interest on that $1,700 for at least a few months. That's not a lot of money, but in the mean time, she's building up credit card debt like nobody's business (which it's not I s'pose :-) ), and funding my sinking sister. My sister, by the way, was going to get married, but we talked her out of it because she wasn't even sure if she wanted to stay with this guy, and she would lose all the tax breaks that were helping her so much; she would lose much more than she would gain. Instead, she is pregnant with a second daughter.

This is not good people. This means that soon, there'll be a second outlet for money from my mom. I can't keep funding terrorism.

I'll have to tell you about my funny, sad, angering RA stories another time. I've a test tomorrow that I need to spend today studying for. See you again soon...I hope. Thanks for reading.

If the plane goes down...then what happens next?

It's a New Dawn, It's a New Day, It's a New Life, and I'm Feeling Good

Sophmore year's almost here everybody, well, not for everybody, but for me at least. I've got my RA job to keep me busy and my new residents to keep me on my toes. ;-) I'm looking forward to it; it should be fantastic. But, I've things to do, so, for now, as always, I must leave you not satiated and slightly disappointed with what you've just read. So, take care and have fun. I'll see you on the other side of the sunrise.

If the plane goes down...then what happens next?

What's That I Hear?...the All Clear Bell?! Everybody Out!!

All's well that ends well. Of course, that doesn't necessarily mean that the journey went well, but at least it's over. Three cheers for skins of teeth and seats of pants.

If the plane goes down...then what happens next?

Coping Cruise

I just went for a bike ride, to clear my head. That's what I do. I go as far as I can, as fast as I can, and it's like running from my issues. It helped for a bit until I laid down and looked at the sky and thought about it again. It was an hour into things, 7:00 pm. I think I remember what happened at 7. That was not what I was worried about, not what I thought would take their minds off me. It was what happens after people are through with that which 7 brought 'round. After they're through with 7 comes the distractions, their distractions, and with it their happiness, my goal. But that happiness, again, is brought about by something, someone, other than me, which is fine, but again, I won't be thought of, that's what I fear. I'm sorry. If you're reading this, I apologize. This is my brain again. You shouldn't listen to it. Like I said in yesterday's post, it's a game my mind plays, it's its trying to take control and cloud reality. I shouldn't write, it's making things worse.

If the plane goes down...then what happens next?

Out of My Hands and Out of My Mind

I am stuck inside right now, I can't leave and it's making things hard. My mind is just stuck imagining what's going on without me. It's different than what it is while I work. Because what's going on without me is something that I experienced last year, and something which I have memories of. This makes it even harder because I know the mindset of those in attendance, and I know the feeling that wells in the air. I won't be thought of, I won't be remembered, maybe once, but thoughts will be elsewhere.

Wait, now, those are the thoughts I've been trying to avoid, that's what hums in my brain when I'm not distracted. I just want to be thought of, if I can't be there, I want to be thought of. I don't know if it'll happen, and I don't know how often, but I just want to be thought of so they can think me there while I imagine the same. But I went through it before, I was there, I had my fun, no second chances. I'm glad they're having fun, I just want to be thought of. I have to stop. I can't keep thinking like this. Ok, I'm telling myself again, I will be thought of, and they're having fun, and that's what I want, and even though I'm not the one making them happy, they're still happy, and that's what I want. God fuck it, I have to go. I have to stop thinking about it. Damn it. Bye.

If the plane goes down...then what happens next?

Tomorrow's Saving Grace

Come to me Tomorrow, come to me today, bring your new beginnings and send them all my way. Take away that thug Today and beat him in the head, break his back and punch his gut for that's what he's done to me. Today has beat me senseless and you're my only hope. Tomorrow come and save me and please help me to cope.

Right now, what I feel, is like I am missing the best moments in the life of someone I love. Imagine having a child, your own young, someone for whom you wish a world of happiness and for whom you'll stop at nothing to fulfill their dreams. And you want to be able to give everything to this person, but you find that there are certain times you cannot do that, for the sole fact that it is out of your hands and out of your abilities. Now this young that you care for, you've watched them grow and seen them live, but now a time comes when you can't be with them, when they go off for a night without you to have fun, the fun you wish you could give. What I feel is like missing your son's final little league game because you have to work to feed him when he gets home, or missing your daughter's prom. You'll hear about their great time, you'll hear stories and see pictures, and the whole time you'll have plastered to your face a fake smile covering the pain you feel because you couldn't be there. I s'pose all that matters in the end is that they're happy, but it's difficult to get over knowing that you missed a moment in their life that they'll remember and cherish forever, and you had nothing to do with it. Imagine trying day in and day out to make memories and moments which make them happiest, and them something comes along that does that, and it wasn't you that made them happy. That's what I'm fighting with now, that's why it's tough, that's why today will never exist again.

If the plane goes down...then what happens next?

I Dance For You

I breathe, slowly taking in that which keeps me living, a love from light, breaking apart the stresses of each day and reminding me of the beauty within the world. I hold in deep that life blood, that sense of passion I feel for you, and warm it with each beat of my heart as it courses through my veins and emerges from each graze of my fingertips on your cheek. I steal moments from each day to blink, doing so with a certain willingness born from confidence that with each instant my eyes are closed I will still see your face. I close my mouth and bridle words of emotion for seconds in order to swallow, knowing that as each second passes that I'm not telling you how much I love you I'm imbibing of your faith, of your looks and our love. Each action my body takes, each natural physical motion is driven by us, by the understanding that my life is your life, and that you are my world. This routine, this daily course, this pattern is my schedule and my blueprint; my guide to living, my chalk lines and tape crosses noting my positions on this public stage. It's my cues and my marks for the dance I dance for you. My life is my dance for you, my gait and my stride, assembled with care to make us beautiful, to make our motion one, to meld our lives and create a new dance together with which to stun the world. The song is these words, the music our heart beats, linked as one, for they beat together, feeding of the same air and drinking of the same blood. This is my dance, the one I save for you each day, the one I wake for, the one I fall asleep to, and the one I save for you tonight. So breathe, move, and live, for it's by doing this that you guarantee love, and love is happiness. In this life, I'm happy.

I love you.

If the plane goes down...then what happens next?